Month: January 2010

None one knows what his got ’til it’s gone…

There is a time when a man needs to fight and a time when he needs to accept that his destiny is lost, the ship is sailed and only a fool will continue…

-Big Fish-

Truth is… NOW I don´t know if I´m still a fool.

I used to thing that if you really wanted to have something, you had to do your best, “be the best”, and that used to work. I mean if you want a bicycle, you need money and in order to get it, either you need to work for it or steal it (don´t steal). But in both ways you had to be the best.

Now I realized that in some aspects of this life -human life-, even if you do the best, even if you really try to be the one, you will eventually fail. How is that? Well, I remember I read once in Victorymanual.com (a site dedicated to Japanese experiences) that to achieve something you must do it 10000 times plus 1 more time. Or in other site where they said (and I took that phrase as a personal phrase) “Don´t worry about how many loops the Earth has made around the Sun since you were born, you better ask yourself, what have you done in those loops?”. I used to believe that if you do something so many times and you never give up, you will get it, sooner or later you will achieve it. But guess what folks, sometimes you just CAN´T!

Last semester I fell in love with the most beautiful woman my eyes have ever seen. She is  for me -until this day-  the pretties young lady I have ever met, she is funny, nice, smart, beautiful, and she has a  wonderful personality, and the best part of it is that; even when she is only 3 years younger than me, and her brain age is not that advanced (you´ll see why) I like her that way, she is perfect for me. But how is it that I´m not her special someone? The answer is so easy and so simple that it actually makes me laugh every time I think about it.

She is so damn blind!. But wait, not that she can´t see stuff, I mean she can, but in the field´s love, she is so damn blind.

I came from a town where there is some sort of rule -and I guess it applies for any place- where the cutest lady in town ends up hanging out with the jerkiest guy in the town. What comes later? Well, either the girl -which is blind, but not mentally affected- leaves the town to study and leaves the guy behind as well, but at the end she will eventually met the jerkiest guy in the city. Or she gets pregnant and her life becomes the one of a… well you know, a pregnant woman.

But how do I know this? Well it is easy to notice it, when you are in love with the girl and you are not the jerk guy either.

So I met this girl and we hang out  a couple of times, -once it was the day before my birthday, and believe me mates; it was the best day-before my birthday and birthday I´ve  had-  we talk about ourselves, about our lives. And in that moment I realized I loved her. Each time she came towards me or vice-versa (most of the times was vice-versa) my heart started beating so freaking hard I actually could heard it, nothing in the whole world could bother me, all was so bloody perfect. For the first time in my life I said to myself that it didn´t matter if it  takes me 10000 time plus other 10000 times  to show her how much I love her, I would do it, do it just to let her know I had a wonderful feeling about her.

And well, I did. I did everything I could, but as you may know, you never know what is the other person thinking. That was my biggest problem. I knew what I was feeling, but I never knew -or at least I did, unfortunately it was too late- what she felt.

So after a few years of discussions with her jerky boyfriend, she finally broke up with him. In that moment I saw an opportunity, it was like  if  I could actually reach my goal. I did for her what I have never done for other girl, I really opened my heart to her.  And because I follow the Bushidou Code (Samurais Code) I just wait. I wait because I knew that she had just broke up with that jerk and that she still had feelings about him. I tried to give her advices, to understand her, to treat her like she deserved, but I ended up becoming the thing no man on Earth who loves a girl wants to be; a wiping blanket. I had to hear her every night saying how much she loved her ex, and how much she hated him as well. So I don´t know how it happened (actually I do, but I am not going to say it) that I told her that I loved her, that I would give everything to grab her hand and kiss her, to see her every day and tell her how much I loved her. And she just said no, and after 2 more tries of showing her how much I loved her she came to me and she told me that she had went back with her boyfriend, -the one who treated her like rubbish insulting her and not so far from hitting her, the one how is so bloody jealous that doesn´t allow her to have male friends. The one who  she spent with 3 years of her life-… wait did I said 3 years? Yes I did, three fucking years. I know that 3 is not a big number like 10000 but in years 3 is big and believe me when I say big. She was so fucking accustomed to him that -as I told her once- when she saw that there was more than him she freaked out, she saw that there were different things in the world, there was more than him, she saw… me. But I don´t know, 4 months -6 now- were not enough and 4 months can´t fight against 3 years. There was  no fucking way I  could beat that and I knew it, and even knowing that, I kept  fighting, I kept doing my best.

So she went back with him again and one day I saw what I can still feel no matter how many times I try to forget it. -I hate to have good memory for this reasons- I saw them kissing each other (I know that that is what a couple do but…) but I mean I could actually hear my heart breaking into pieces.  That same night she told me something that made me wonder and say WTF. She said that she had went back with her boyfriend -obviously I knew that, friends don´t kiss each other in the mouth, at least not in this country- and that somehow because of all the time she spent talking to me she realized that I was a good guy, and then she was starting to feel something about me. What a great moment to say something like that!!.  She just wanted to see if her relation with this dumb could work this time -I knew it won´t, but I never told her, cuz I loved her-.

And you know folks for me to love a girl is to give anything to her and do anything for her, even if it´s to let her go with another person, because at the end you know that, this is what makes her happy, and somehow it makes you happy to see her in that mood, because you love her so much.

What comes later is the same story, over and over and over; the guy gets jealous, she gets angry because he thinks she is cheating on him, she cries, he cries, he calls her /&%%/&, she maybe do the same, she gets sad, I had to do something to make her happy at least a moment, -I used to say something (not that directly) like “why are you still loving him even when there are tons of dudes out there waiting for a chance, and you have one of them in front of you”. -But now I just don´t do it anymore- and 3 or 4 days after she cried and thought life was miserable, they were together again.

Maybe I am different, maybe I am weird, maybe I am special, or maybe I am not form this planet. But I bet that if you  lovely reader are reading this, you for sure will match something with your own experiences. Maybe you are a Mr. Nice guy like me, a guy that is so damn nice that let the girl goes because you love her so much, but you can´t stand see her suffering that way either. And it is even worst when you see that she knows how special you are, how wonderful you are with her, and she just say that you don´t deserve to be treated this way. OF COURSE YOU DON´T DESERVE IT!!!!! But God!!! If I had to feel this miserable to realize that I really care about you, I will live my whole life like this just to show you that I really love you.

Why did I just write about this?

I don´t know I had to write this down, to let the god damn feeling go away.

So am I still a fool? Once I was, I really was, now I just don´t know. She still has a part -special part- inside my heart. What a pity she just can´t see it, ´cuz she is blind.

But like they say; None one knows what his got ’til it’s gone…

I died for her… and now I reborn.

Brain- Are you still thinking about her?

Linkf1- Well… It´s complicated, I do think about her but here the question is if she thinks about me.

Brain – Do you really think you have one last chance of being with her.

Linkf1 – I don´t know dude, that´s up to her, if she wants to go to another level she will tell me -I think so-.

Brain – I saw you made plenty of drawings of her and for her, will you do more for her?

Linkf1 – I made the drawing I had to make. Actually it is quite complicated about the drawings part.

Brain – Why is it complicated?

Linkf1 – Well, it is just that I wish I could draw her every day, but for her is not OK. Let´s say that Mr. Boyfriend is using her as a puppet, and talking through her.

Brain – Jajaja, you must be kidding, is he really controlling her?

Linkf1 – I recently made a drawing of a great friend, and I asked her, how it feels to receive a drawing of someone else? And she said; well first it feels great, ´cus I mean you are selected from a clustter,  then, to make a drawing takes time from the drawer, and at the end he creates a drawing just for me. So dude I think a girl really enjoys when you give her something and more when you draw her face and you just give a drawing that means more than just a few strokes.

Brain – Ok, wait a minute, I don´t get it yet. Where does Mr. Boyfriend appears?

Linkf1 –  In the part where she says that if I give her a drawing it makes her uncomfortable with her boyfriend! Well screw that! Tell the guy to take some courses then!

Brain – I understand you and her. I mean she doesn´t want problems with him anymore.

Linkf1 – I do understand her too, but well if she didn´t wanted me to give her drawing, she should have told me that in the first place.

Brain – Well tell me now, are you still fighting for her heart?

Linkf1 – Lets say it this way. I am in one side of a wall, she is in the other side and the wall is her boyfriend. Now I ask you, have you ever fought against a wall?

Brain – Wait, are you saying that you fight against him? Who won? jajaja

Linkf1 – Nop, I did not “fight”. The thing I want to say is that in the side of the wall where she is the wall is doing her business pretty well, so good that she doesn´t see through the wall. And I am (was) screaming and jumping to attract some attention.

Brain – Damn!, this is like some sort of sad story… I mean you told me about the cranes and the drawings, plus the origami stuff, damn… Is she blind?

Linkf1 – I don´t think so, I think there is just a smoke curtain in front of her eyes.

Brain – Hey boy one last question ´cuz I see that you don´t like to talk about this anymore. Did you love her?

Linkf1 – I remember that I read in a friends blog (Matteo´s) who made a post like this, and his friend ask him the same question. I will use the same asnwer; I die for her!

Brain – But you told me you never kissed her, how could you love someone  without kissing her or knowing her quite good?

Linkf1 – As for kissing, I don´t need to kiss her to love her, and as for knowing her, I had a life to know her. The problem is she didn´t want.

Brain – Well I see you really loved her… But we better stop talking about this, is so sad, and I have to say this  “She doesn´t know what she let go”.

Linkf1 – Nobody knows it, until you see it goes…

*This talk was inspired in Matteo´s. “Brain” is a friend of mine, but because I don´t want her give her any problem I didn´t use her name.

In fact… girls are so God damn hard to understand…